Brace Yourself

This needs no introduction, other than a surgeon general's warning about the hilarity being harmful to your health, or job status. If you get fired, I deny all knowledge and responsibility.

Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.

10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.


11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

12. Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

(I blame my brother Jon for all of this. Especially #12. For more on Jon, see bio.)

Posted by Portia at January 26, 2006 01:36 AM | TrackBack

Two more that are worthy of consideration (these works of genius obviously were not crafted by me):

1)Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil,
who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play cards every second Wednesday of the month.

2) Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Posted by: MBMc at January 26, 2006 09:55 AM

I don't know why these make me laugh so hard. :)

Thanks for the extra two. I haven't heard those.

And yes, to clarify, I had nothing to do with crafting the previous 12 facts about Chuck. My brother found them, and lots more, online and my face still hurts this morning from laughing so hard.

Posted by: Portia at January 26, 2006 10:52 AM

To Chuck Norris, doorknobs and urination are seen as merely suggestions.

Posted by: jon at January 26, 2006 11:28 AM

1) Chuck Norris once killed a man, bought him back to life, and then killed him again. When asked why he said, "Did you see the look on his face the second time around? Priceless."

Posted by: Jon at January 26, 2006 11:38 AM

My only recourse is to post this video

chock full of bad-wordiness. see what you've made me do? POST EVIL! I was a good boy before you turned me into a bad-word poster. meanie.

Posted by: MacStansbury at January 26, 2006 03:29 PM