World Cup Update: Exclusive Player Interviews

Nasa Nerd here with your on the spot World Cup coverage.

I had the privilege to interview some of the French and Swiss players during yesterdays match. Here is the transcript:

The Transcript as follows:

NasaNerd: Good afternoon, sir!

French Player: Who ze 'ell ar yu?

(At this point, I noticed this might be harder than I thought. The French player was standing, in the middle of the field, smoking a cigarette)

NN: I'm NasaNerd. I post on a blog in America.

FP: Screw America. Wat do yu wont?

(He said, inhaling, then blowing the smoke in my face)

NN: **Cough** Well, I wanted to find out how the game was going.

(He looked at me for a second, then guffawed)

FP: Idiot! 'Ow do yu sink eet ees going? We ar tied. Nil - Nil.

(By this time, a few of his French teammates had set up lawn chairs. A "winemaid" had since brought him a chardonay. He sipped it in contempt, watching as I scribbled notes in my PDA)

NN: I see. Is there any reason for this?

(I said, looking around)

FP: Capitalist pigdog. We refuse to play. Eet ees not...French. We do not bow to zee will of zee wurld.

(At once, he threw his wine in my face. When I opened my eyes again, he was lighting another cigarette and had a fresh glass of wine in his hand. I simply brushed myself off, and walked over to the Swiss.)

NN: Excuse me! Can I have a minute of your time?

(The Swiss were all standing in a circle, talking.)

Swiss captain: Can I help you?

(He seemed sincere, but there was something amiss.)

NN: Yes, I'd like to ask you a few questions about this match.

SC: Oh, please. Anything you need to know.

(My eyes darted from player to player as I realized they were all looking at me)

NN: Oh...kay...Well, How do you think the game is going so far?

SC: Swimmingly. I mean, as football matches go. We don't actually swim, you know. That would be called waterpolo. Do you want us to play waterpolo?

(I began to scribble more notes into my PDA as he talked. I paused, hearing his comment and looked up)

NN: No, no. That's fine...but if you think it's going well, why hasn't anyone scored yet? You're not winning.

SC: Oh, no. We don't win. We're neutral. We don't care who wins, we just like to watch.

NN: But, you're playing...right now...who are you watching?

SC: The fans, of course!

(Suddenly, by happenstance, the ball landed just a few feet behind me. I noticed all the Swiss players' eyes fixated on it. I was hoping they would do something but it only came out like this...)

SC: Oh! Is that the ball behind you? Is it yours? We can hold it for you if you like. We'll take really good care of it.

NN: No...I believe you're supposed to pla-

SC: It's ok. If it's yours, we won't tell anyone. If anyone asks, we'll just deny that it exists.

What else was there to say but..)

NN: Um...alright. Keep it for me, will ya?

(Before I could even finish the sentence, three Swiss players had taken the ball back to the circle and were kicking it between them, discreetly, of course)

NN: Oh, and if you could, keep it in that net over there?

(I turned, and pointed at the French goalkeeper, who was now laying on a massage table with a small asian woman walking over his back.)

SC: Keep what?

(I turned and the ball was gone.)

NN: The ball. The ball you just took.

SC: We didn't take anything. Look. Nothing there.

(Dumbfounded, I took my leave.)