Capital Hill High

The impending Democratic Party take-over has spurred a possible treatment for a high school television drama, sort of along the lines of Boston Public. Here is a cast of characters.

(Let me first begin by stating this is a work of non-fiction; any resemblance to actual characters is purely in the mind of the reader.)

Nancy "I'm the prom queen!" Pilosi is head of Student Council. Perky, energetic, and a former cheerleader; doesn’t tolerate competition very well and is deeply threatened by more intelligent and prettier girls, such as Jane Harmon. Assigns posts to her dippy, incompetent friends, which assures her of keeping the #1 spot as Head of Student Council. Loves holding slumber parties, making s'mores, singing Kum Bai Ya and telling scary stories about her rivals on Student Council.

Hillary Clinton is the manipulative, bossy, bullyish girl everyone is afraid to stand up to. She's a sophmore now but has been posturing and campaigning for Senior Class President (SCP) since she was a freshman. Before holding an office on Student Council she made and failed at an attempt to unionize high school students. Hillary is determined to protect all students with a union whether they like it or not because it's for their own good. The fees for each student would be more than most can afford, but her plan calls for the students with more allowance to pay for the kids without allowance. She plans to force this issue once she's elected president.

John Kerry is the quintessential awkward sycophant; he considers himself a whistleblower and makes sure all illegal plays made by the football team are published each week in the school newspaper. Kerry also published his team's highly secret football plays and distributed them to all rival football teams "in the name of fairness". He has been known to take pom-poms over to the opposing side and dance with the cheerleaders as a show of good faith and solidarity, and thinks score-keeping is plebeian. He annoys everyone but himself and the Dean of Students, who depends upon Kerry's surveillance of student behavior. Kerry tried to run for SCP but lost and would now be happy to settle for Prom King.

Jimmy Carter, Past (way past) Senior Class President, is the high school graduate who keeps coming back. He hangs out in the Student Union criticizing the current class president or organizes pep rallies to stir things up. Carter also thinks he alone can bring peace and unity between a long-term rivalry between the science club students and a brutal campus gang that keeps bullying and beating up the science kids. He says there will be peace if all the science students would just stop getting A’s and leave campus; he claims their achievements have created a sense of insecurity in the gang.

Al Gore lost his bid for SCP six years ago and has never gotten over it. Gore thinks one day he will take over the world. He believes that only he alone can avert the destruction of the planet and threatens to make it very inconvenient for anyone who does not listen to his version of the truth. Sources close to Gore reveal he affectionately refers to Tipper as “Pinky”.

Bill Clinton, a former two-term SCP, is everybody’s best friend, especially if they're female. He wants to make high school a better place and will do or say anything to make sure everyone feels good about his attempts. Clinton was elected because he assured the student body that he felt their pain when they got bad grades. He is huge on equal rights; defends disenfranchized students who feel they have been unjustly left off the Dean’s List. Clinton claims it is not their fault they have a 1.6 GPA and asserts that putting them on probation is bigoted. When that same group of students got caught smoking weed, he vigorously defended their right to inhale. His long-term goal is to tear down the wall of separation of individual schools, thereby creating one global school campus; he plans on being the first Global Senior Class President.